The Final Post
I've moved my blog. From April onwards I will no longer be using Blogspot as the host of my blog. You can get the April version of my weblog here, and you can visit the index of weblogs here.

Good morning, and tata, see you on the other side.

  posted by Karcy R. @ 9:39 AM

 
The last day of March
Today, I talked to someone I didn't expect to talk to for several months. A relationship patched up - and this time, hopefully, things will be better.

Today, I decided that I can't call myself a Christian anymore. A Christian is a follower of Christ. I'm not. I'm still looking around, wondering if what is packaged and given to me as Christianity is for real. I'm not following Christ. I pray to Christ, yeah, but I haven't really followed Christ. Not yet.

Today, I got angry at God. Two years ago, I began to doubt my faith. At that time, I told God that I would start searching from there, and you know, I had faith that if God was real, God would give me a conviction so strong that I would not doubt Christianity again. That was my request. If God didn't, I would be honest to myself and just continue to be a seeker for whatever the truth was and not join Christianity simply because I was afraid of Hell. Heh, funny, that. Faith. It's been two years and God still hasn't answered. Instead, I found more reasons to doubt, I found more questions ringing in my head without satisfying answers from Christianity.

And to be honest, I'm frustrated. Frustrated and angry that after two years of looking I haven't found any fixed answer for or against Christianity.

And so I took to what I should have done earlier. I opened the Bible and started to investigate it. I opened Matthew, I checked up on Messianic prophecy Number One, and I admit that Isaiah's prophecy, while uncanny, seemed to refer to something else and not a saviour.

I heard from a friend of mine that five students died of a virus in Kuching. I don't know what virus it is. Could it be another outbreak?

I'm still worried about my UPU form.

It's been a mixed day.

  posted by Karcy R. @ 5:38 AM

 
Good afternoon, world
Good afternoon.

It rained, just a little, today. I spent my morning playing - cheating, to be more specific - Age of Empires II: Ages of Kings. Very tough. I miss the invincibility cheat I had for Starcraft.

As a whole, I don't like playing Command and Conquer games, although I must admit that they are better than the 'one man on a quest against many obstacles' game - heck, are those called Role Playing Games? - because what's supposed to be a time to unwind is nothing more than another mental wrench and home for anxiety. I prefer simulation games like Caesar 2 and The Sims. They're not addictive, but they're relaxing enough for a game, and it's nice to feel that you're in control of a city or a group of people.

My mind is blank. No prose and no rants this round. Unless you actually want to read a report of what happened recently in the past few hours, I'm not going to type anything.

  posted by Karcy R. @ 10:27 PM

 
I like this test:

take free enneagram test

 
Re-edit
I made a re-edit of my previous post because I thought that my descriptive powers were very, very, very poor in the previous version. Heck, my powers of prose manipulation isn't that good yet, but I can do better than what I did in the previous version, which was merely a lot of words rammed together according to what I felt and not according to how it would sound to the reader.

I edited my last post. That's all you need to know. The main points remain the same, though.

  posted by Karcy R. @ 7:24 AM

 
Greyworth Evening
This is how the day is for Karcy:

Let us start with night. The night is filled with the blare of the radio or TV as all your family gather at home. You don't do any work then, but you might be found on the computer. Eventually, towards the later part of night, at eleven or midnight, you start to do your work on the computer. It is then that you have the haunting atmosphere of silence as you complete whatever thing you're doing for tomorrow. It is early morning when you sleep. All around you the world is silence.

In the morning when you wake, you prepare to do work. Work, yeah, like the stuff you didn't complete last night. Maybe you just prepare for the day. Mornings, especially early mornings before the sun rises, until nine or so when the sun is already high up, are bright, fresh, energetic and exciting. You charge into the day.

The day goes on, and by the afternoon the day is hot. The sun blares unto your skin and shrinks your pupils. You don't like going out at this time of the day. There is nothing interesting on television. Outside, the rumbles of the cars, motorbikes and huge sixteen wheeled lorries zoom by, to and fro, in the heat of the afternoon. You need a siesta because you are tired and drowsy. And a siesta is what you have then. A good long nap.

And then you wake up.

And it's evening, or approaching evening. And there is such a painful feeling in the evening, a feeling that you have lost something, that you've missed some form of chance to grab something. The feeling that you once had something before - your zeal for life, like an adventure, in your childhood; your religion in your teenagehood; your friends in your schoolgirl days; the friends you've stopped speaking to and have changed beyond recognition - there is always something in the world of nostalgia that comes out and grabs you, and tell you that today, on this very day and on this very evening, you don't have it anymore.

And to accompany the feeling of loss there is the feeling of longing, longing for some sort of love, some sort of company, some sort of ... heck, some sort of anything. I can't exactly put it into words. It's just a longing.

Funny. Even in my dreams (the ones that happen when you go to bed at night, not the ones that are another name for pointless ambition), there is always this feeling that I am searching for something, but never really finding it. Whether it's running away from the bad guys in search for a refuge, calling back someone that you love who has renounced you, or finding a solution to a growing problem, most of my dreams deal with finding something. Yet even when I achieve the desired goal in my dream, I would never be happy and the longing would not cease. What would a psychoanalyst say?

I've got to learn to accept evenings as just another part of day. Somehow my moods get badly affected during the evenings.

Oh by the way, the name Greyworth Evening is in actual fact the name of a character in my long term project (I plan to make it a series), entitled Palette, which incidentally is the name of the brand of computer that I am using. I call it a project because I don't feel it's worth the title of 'novel'. A novel is well, a novel. It is a collection of words carefully sorted out and compiled to form a darn good story. But a project - now the difference lies in...heck what is the difference? - the goal is bigger. The packaging is different. Even if it takes the form of a novel or a series of novels, it is a project, and other things attached to it are all part of the package. And as big projects go, you get very, very, attached to it.

Which is why I'm really worried now that I've misplaced my sketchbook for the drafts and worldbuilding of Palette.

A bit of Palette can be seen in my writing exercise here. It's not the final form, of course. It was just me trying to beat writer's block.

  posted by Karcy R. @ 2:22 AM

 
I have finally found a title more gross than mine
That I have:

foundation of piss and vinegar

  posted by Karcy R. @ 5:52 PM